Monday, April 16, 2012

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Monday, October 19, 2009

Breaking News: Shakeup Expected at La-Z-Boy

High Point -

There is a story developing here during the semi-annual High Point Furniture Market which will rock the industry. Although speculation about a change at La-Z-Boy has been rampant over the last several years, it seems that there have been some changes that have intensified the situation.

Amid La-Z-Boy's struggling sales and financial situation, the company has been able to remain afloat and according to some sources the company is actually headed in the right direction. But it seems that is all about to change.

According to industry insiders and evidence obtained exclusively by Furniture Tomorrow, La-Z-Boy is about undergo its most challenging times in decades. We have learned that Spongebob Squarepants and Dora the Explorer have joined forces to push the current management team out the door.
"I've only been in this showroom for two days and it's clear to me that these people have no clue what they're doing", a fuming Spongebob Squarepants told us in confidence. "I live underwater so I know - this is a sinking ship, they're going to run this thing straight down to bottom of the f@%king ocean."
Spongebob offered several solutions to the vast array of problems that the company faces, such as putting Squidward in charge of product development, replacing the salesforce with a group of starfish, and requiring all accounts to pay in the form of Krabby Patty Burgers. "Let's be honest", Spongebob said, "all of those ideas are pretty ridiculous, but this company is so screwed up, we might as well have some fun while it sinks."

Dora the Explorer wasn't so kind to the management team that is assembled here in High Point. "I'm a 6-year old Mexican and my best friend is a monkey, but these guys make me look like Albert friggin' Einstein. This company is so backwards that they think putting this half-retarded sponge thing on a bed will help their sales." Dora outlined her plans to remove the current management team and position herself as the next leader. "Look, no one knows what I carry in this backpack. All I'm saying is that if they keep it up it's going to mess up my royalties. These guys are dumb, but they've got to know that you don't screw with a Puerto Rican girl when it comes to cash. If they try it, I'll cut them."

Officials at La-Z-Boy could not be reached for comment.

Monday, October 5, 2009

BREAKING NEWS: Ahmadinejad Endorses High Point Market; Denies Las Vegas Market Exists

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Zima Partners With Youth Manufacturers

Zima and several leading youth manufacturers will announce Monday a multi-million dollar cross-branding advertising campaign to spur sluggish sales.

Industry executives studied the behavior of nearly 100 teenagers in North Carolina and surrounding areas and observed behavior after consuming 3, 6 and 9 Zima drinks, respectively.

The studies' findings were overwhelming said a furniture industry executive who spoke on a condition of anonymity because he was not authorized to speak about the report. "After 6 Zima's, there's a 62% chance our industry sees a sale we would have missed and almost a 98% chance we get a sale after 9 drinks." In one behavioral study, 18 year old Brad Ferguson of High Point, NC ended up in a car trunk after a long night of drinking. Brad found out two weeks after the party his girlfriend, Tanya, was pregnant with twins. "Does it suck?" said Brad, "yeah, it kinda sucks and comes with all these expenses I wasn't prepared for. "

It's those expenses that have both industries excited about their new partnership. "Teen pregnancy is a win-win for both industries" said one beverage executive as the study also showed a sharp rise in alcohol consumption after the male was informed of the pregnancy. As both industries struggle to stimulate consumer demand, they are finding stimulation and a little alcohol is exactly what is needed in today's tough economic times.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Drexel, Thomasville Announce Cash For Clunkers Program

Drexel Heritage and Thomasville have announced a company funded 'cash for clunkers' program to buy back poor performing products. Retailers who have purchased any Drexel or Thomasville product within the last 48 months will be eligible to return or crush any floor samples or stock for a 75% refund. Thomasville store owners should contact their sales representative for further details.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Vegas Market Attendance down 486%....

According to a study sponsored by the High Point Market Authority.

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

RFI Index (Rep Fucked Index) Shows Some Reps More Fucked Than Others

#1 Michigan
RFI: 97.2%

Michigan, we don't see a clear way forward for you. Buddy, you've been fucked for a long time and you know it but you really haven't done much about it. If you're a rep and your target consumer has not been shot dead in downtown Detroit that's a good start but there's still a high probability he or she doesn't have a job. Your big industry is not so big anymore and despite enormous auto bail-outs and 'cash for clunkers,' the 'Big 3' is living in reality about as much of the time as the board members at Furniture Brands before a blockbuster, blow off the fucking doors executive bonus payout.

You should start by having a corporate tax rate of 0%, personal property tax rate of 0% and state income tax of 0%. Then beg like hell for industries to move like you do in those Pure Michigan commercials.

#2 California

RFI: 92.1%

California, we love you bro' but you really fucked up this time. You're like Lil' Bow Wow with a black American Express card in Dubai. You practically invented the over-leveraged consumer and the sub-prime, no doc, pay what you want when you want mortgage. You're countrywide's poster child. You're what they now post in banks to remind themselves how not to go bankrupt.

We always thought it a little curious how you afforded those expensive homes wearing cargo shorts at noon on a Tuesday but it's all good bro'. Real estate may be tripping but you still have pot as an industry and this may make for some nice additional income for some California reps until your RFI index comes down. California, you're a little different but we think it's hella likely you're going to bounce back.

Don't get stoked just yet California, give it 24 months. When your state has a garage sale to raise money, you know it's going to take some time.

#3 Florida
RFI: 89.1%

The people in Florida are crazy like Van Gogh without the genius and missing an ear. The Rep Fucked Index was showing an 81.2 until Madoff appeared on the scene and screwed all the people in Florida who have money, or the Jewish people. Still Florida, we see a little bit of a light at the end of the tunnel for you. Florida, we suggest for a quicker recovery you lower property taxes. Your state song should be 'Shakedown' by Bob Seeger with those tax rates. Everyone needs some action, but no one wants to get screwed by the tax collector.

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